I trust you, God.
With
my heart
my desires
my dreams
my life
my provision
my children
my future
my past
today.
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What "I trust you, God" doesn't mean:
I get what I want
I am in control
I know what's best for me
I understand what's happening
I will know why
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I love...
when I experience you
when you speak to me
when I feel your peace
when you answer affirmatively
when you love me through others
when I see you at work
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I love that you didn't teach me to swim so you could watch me drown.
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H
O
P
E
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Love is...
patient
kind
always protecting
always trusting
always hoping
always persevering
Love is not...
envious
boastful
prideful
dishonoring of others
self-seeking
easily angered
record-keeping of wrongs
failing
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I believe. Help my unbelief.
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Can I delight you?
Can you dress me up in you?
Can you fill me up?
Can you dance inside me?
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Sold out and wrecked.
The diamonds are gone.
Gold and silver sold.
Completely dependent on you.
I burned my ships at the shore.
My only way is you.
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Though I have nothing, I am paid in full.
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You love without control
so the love you get back
is the best kind of love...
sincere,
whole-hearted,
wanting you,
needing you.
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I am pouring it out,
laying it down at your feet...
my loneliness
my fears
my sadness
my worries
my insufficiencies
my tears
my longings
I just want to be held by you.
Lord, can I feel your affection today?
Can you look at me, speak to me and touch me with love today?
I really need you to.
I will not play pretend anymore.
I won't stay busy working.
I won't be so starved for worthy that I scrape it off the floor.
Not anymore.
I will feel this pain,
walk through it
and trust that you will be there during
and after just waiting for me on the other side.
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Thank you, dear gentleman...
for your beautiful sunrise,
the way the moonlight kisses the pond,
the rays of light that bend through the clouds,
my children's laughter,
food on my table,
chocolate,
sweet friends who care,
honest talks,
your word,
your image,
your grace,
a car that starts,
a dog that loves tummy rubs,
passion for goodness,
hands that reach out,
forgiving me,
holding my heart in your hands,
eyes that can see,
a heart that remains open,
still h o p i n g inside,
ever growing awareness,
and the courage to feel this hurt.
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I love that you are the ultimate badass.
No complacency.
No hiding out.
No lack of response.
I see you armed and ready to fight for me.
And I will be still...
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You are where justice and mercy kiss,
you are the beauty in all that is good and whole and right,
you are a long, much-needed hug,
you are holding me at night when I am afraid,
you are the voice inside that tells me when to run,
and when to stop running and rest.
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I feel called to your purpose
and I do love you so.
I trust that you will work it all together for good.
Not just the greater good,
but good for me, too.
You are good to me.
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B E L O V E D
Rich Jewish husband, you must like having me as your wife.
As yours.
I know you are wild about me, sweet on me.
Here, with my tears and my comfy clothes and glasses on.
And you see right through my skin and into my heart.
And you know my pain.
And you cry with me, right beside me, holding me.
And I didn't have to do anything to earn it.
I just chose it and there you were.
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You are right on time.
Sometimes I need reminding of this.
The lonely seems long to me.
You are never late.
There's no confusion.
There's no misunderstanding.
You are real and here.
And you want to be with me.
And you want me to grow and to love.
And I am growing and loving.
And this lonely space is what I am handing off to you...
it's more than I can bear,
this hoping,
this questioning,
this wondering,
this needing.
I feel every bit of it and I am giving it to you
to solve
to care
to correct
to convict
to taste the sweetness in it...where is the sweetness in it?
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Can your extraordinary love be my "normal" Lord?
Instead of deadbeat dads and negative numbers in red.
Instead of false faces in the pew and wolves mixed among the sheep.
No more tricks.
There's only high in being low for me.
Poor, so poor in spirit.
Yet, here I am, making it by the moment.
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Be gentle with my heart, Lord.
I have hurt enough.
When are you coming to help me?
I have seen strong holds strangle,
I have felt the icy silence on end,
I have abandoned myself to please,
I have felt the face of darkness,
And I do want to be well.
Shed the victim cloak and watch it burn, shrivel.
I never want to wear it again.
I need support.
I want to be loved and cherished.
Can you cherish me, Lord?
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I trust you and your timing, Lord.
Just guide me in this moment to make the next right choice.
I thank you for today and blessings so far beyond what I deserve.
Help me show up and be present in my life.
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